Parenting Books

Note: Wow, this got really long. It looked a little shorter in the editing window. Oh, well, I hope you enjoy it anyway.

Recently, one of the sisters in my ward came to visit me. While she was here, she asked for a list of the parenting books to which I refer. I thought I would go ahead and write it on the blog in case any one else would like some great references for parenting.

Pregnancy books:
1. What to Expect When You're Expecting by Heidi Murkoff and Sharon Mazel. Just a great basic resource for the expectant mother! I have referred to this book at least once with each pregnancy. Sure, I read it a lot more often the first time around, but maternal amnesia made this a necessity in my library.

2. Your Pregnancy Week by Week by Glade B. Curtis. Another great book! It includes weekly measurements and lots of other great info.

3. Husband-Coached Childbirth by Dr. Robert Bradley. Where would I have been without Dr. Bradley??? When I first got pregnant, I was all for pain management. Then I saw the needle! "And you want to stick that where?" I am more afraid of needles than pain. Luckily, my wonderful sister-in-law had told me about the Bradley method even when I wasn't at all interested. Now thanks to Dr. Bradley's book, I had all five of my kids without pain medication. I didn't even take the expensive classes.

Baby Care Basics:
4. On Becoming Baby Wise by Gary Ezzo and Robert Bucknam. This is a great book to start with. I don't agree with everything they said, but it gave me confidence at the beginning. I do stick with the routine of eat-play-sleep. I don't recommend being super strict from the very start. Abel had to eat every 2 hours instead of the recommended 3 hours for the first few weeks, and Sunny got dehydrated at just 6 days old. Was it his method or something else? We will never know! I liked the information, though, combined with my motherly intuition and experience. BTW, I did NOT like Baby Wise II at all. I think his ideas of disciplining a five-month-old (I think it was) rank heresy.

5. Your Baby's First Year by The American Academy of Pediatrics, editor-in-chief Steven P. Shelov, M.D. This is a fantastic book of basic baby care. It has a lot of the medical stuff covered, and it is less slanted toward any particular philosophy than a lot of books out there. I'm not even sure if you can find this anymore; I think it came home from the hospital with one of my babies.

6. This came from an article, not a book. Dr. Ferber did write a book, but I haven't read the whole thing. His method of sleep training does involve crying it out, but he recommends checking on the child in increasing increments. This worked with some of my kids, but it didn't work with all of them. Some kids just will not cry themselves to sleep! And sometimes checking on them and leaving just seemed to make them madder. Made me feel better, though! If you want to read the book, it's called Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems by Richard Ferber.

7. The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night by Elizabeth Pantley and William Sears. Sunny would not ever cry herself to sleep. She could cry for 3 hours, I kid you not! I thought making her cry for 3 hours till it was time to eat and have her fall asleep at the breast was stupid. That lasted only a few days until I gave up and just kept feeding her to sleep. I finally found this beautiful book. I am not a proponent of "attachment parenting," but this book was a fabulous and life-saving alternative to everyone who said you have to let your baby cry it out. She includes several suggestions and ideas to fit you, your child, and your family. You can pick and choose.

8. Stress-Free Potty Training: A Commonsense Guide to Finding the Right Approach for Your Child by Sara Au and Peter L. Stavinoha. Woo-hoo! I didn't find this until Sunny was potty training. This book is awesome! It has 6 different methods for potty training. You take a quiz to help peg your kid's style, and off you go! I only read the one that was recommended for Sunny. It worked like a charm!!! Granted, she was four years old, but her real bout of potty training that resulted in near total control lasted between one and three days. It mentions other popular methods, such as training your child in one day, but that is just for one personality type. I LOVE books that are not a one-size-fits-all type because no two kids are exactly alike. Speaking of which, I need to get this book again (love the library!) to read for Buster. He is showing some interest, but I know that doesn't mean he's not still 2 years away from getting serious about potty-training.

Behavior and Parenting:
9. Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. This is another book that saved my sanity! Another sister-in-law found this book years ago while raising her own spirited child. A few years ago, we were in a lot of stress. We were moving around a lot, and Missy really started acting up and driving me crazy. She reacts to stress in the home by causing more of it! I ran to the bookstore and bought this book. Missy is not excessively energetic, but she did come out of the quiz as being "officially" spirited. (Sunny and Kandy are just "spunky" on the scale.) I have learned a lot of coping strategies from this book. It has also really opened my eyes and my understanding of various quirks of my children. For example, Sunny really is an anti-routine child. "Irregularity" is a "bonus trait" of the spirited child. By realizing this, I have become more accepting of Sunny's irregular rhythms and am more willing to be flexible about it. Although we do encourage regular bed times, sometimes she honestly is not tired. We have come up with a good compromise: If she stays awake in her bed for 20 minutes, she can stay awake and watch a movie as long as she doesn't intrude on cherished husband-wife time in the evenings. It helps you look beyond the misbehavior to the motivation. Rather than excusing behavior, though, it helps you work around the problems.

10. The Parenting Breakthrough: Real-Life Plan To Teach Kids To Work, Save Money, and Be Truly Independent by Merilee Browne Boyack. I have talked about this one before. It reminds us that the end goal of raising small children is to turn them into independent adults. The author includes her plan of how she is doing this with her boys. There are certain life skills grouped by appropriate age. This is everything from brushing their own teeth to making their own doctor appointments and running their own finances by the time they are 18. I have added a few things to my own list (boys don't learn to do barrettes and ponytails, for starters), but I now try to sit down with my kids once each month to discuss their progress. One great quote from this book: "It's not my job to make my kids happy." Such an epiphany! It is my job to teach them how to be happy, but it is not my job to try and make it so they never cry. To do that, I would actually end up doing things that are counter-productive to their happiness in the long run!

Honorable Mentions:
The Wonder of Boys and The Wonder of Girls by Michael Gurian.
Boys Adrift by Leonard Sax

And no book list of my "bibles" would be complete without mentioning The 5 Love Languages: The Secret To Love That Lasts by Gary Chapman.
Yes, this helps more in adult relationships, but he has written one that applies more to children as well. This book helps so much in figuring out what makes your spouse tick and in helping to keep a happy marriage. So much of parenting is making sure you have a happy foundation on which to build and a happy place in which to do it. I know I am far more likely to be impatient and grumpy with my kids when I am frustrated with my husband. Also, figuring out how your children communicate love helps you be a better parent to them because you can better communicate your love to them and understand how they communicate their love for you.

I also read parenting magazines. I don't always agree with their politics, but I think it is good to keep up with the latest research. Is it always right? I don't know! They have changed feeding guidelines for babies a lot in the last 10 years. (Start at 4 months, no, wait, 6 months, now 5 months. After cereal, start with fruit, no, yellow vegetables, no, green...) Reading about older kids also gives me a good preview of what is to come so I have it in mind when I need it.

Why do I read so much? Reading helps take what is often already in my sub-conscious and brings it into my conscious mind. Also, I find that the more I read and think about parenting, the more likely I am to be a proactive parent instead of a reactive parent. In other words, I think before I react instinctively to the misbehavior. And instead of reacting, I try to be proactive by being prepared and laying a good foundation to prevent the misbehavior in the first place.

Finally, I read my scriptures and pray A LOT. In the scriptures, we learn a lot about parenthood by seeing how our Heavenly Father deals with His children. I have also learned a lot about how He must feel about all of us by being a parent myself. I gather lots of information, and then I pray about how to apply it. I try to live worthy of inspiration. I talk to other mothers around me, old and young. How grateful I am for my own mother, mother-in-law, sisters-in-law, grandmothers, and sisters in the gospel as we all try to raise the next generation the best we can!